Lately, aku rasa mcm hidup aku terawang2. Tak tahu nak buat apa. Tak tahu nak fikir mcm mana lagi. Memang, aku skrg tgh pursue degree, kalau ikut mmg ada hala tuju, tp hala tuju dlm kehidupan tu aku sungguh tak nampak. Kekadang aku jeles tgk org lain yg tahu apa dorang buat dlm hidup. Sedangkan aku?
When talking about love in life, aku mmg rasa aku la insan paling tak tahu bercinta dlm muka bumi ni. Sbb apa? People make mistake, and I forgive, forgive and forgive. Sebab aku selalu berpegang pd prinsip, everybody deserves a second chance. Bagi aku, semua orang buat silap dlm hidup, tp kalau dia nak tebus silap dia, why not? Aku bukan jenis sukar nak memaafkan, infact aku sangat2 la pemaaf orangnya. Hari ni aku marah, esok aku maafkan, even hati sakit mcm mana sekalipun, and that is my biggest weakness. Benda yg paling aku tak suka tentang diri aku adalah aku sangat mudah memaafkan. Sbb aku ni dah terlebih dlm ikut prinsip aku, sepatutnya everybody deserves a second chance, tp aku ni, bg orang peluang banyak banyak banyak kali. Dah ber’chance2’ dah aku bg. Bukan aku tak tahu diri ni dipijak2, diri ni dikhianati berkali2, ditipu berulang2. Tp hati aku ni , susah sangat nak membenci orang.
Dah banyak air mata tumpah sbb dia, dah banyak hati meraung terlalu sakit sebab dia. dah banyak penyesalan di hati sebab mengenali dia. tp even perpisahan pernah terjadi, Allah temukan kami lagi. Kalau ini yg dikatakan peluang kedua buat kami, nak tak nak aku terpaksa kuatkan balik hati yg pernah hancur kerana dia. bukan senang, nak tatap balik wajah org yg pernah hancurkan hati kita, nak senyum pd dia yg membuat kita menangis suatu masa dahulu. bukan mudah nak cari balik diri yg hilang setelah dibuang suatu ketika dahulu. Ikutkan hati aku dah tak sanggup nak menangis lagi. Pernah aku janji dgn diri sendiri, saat aku mula mendapat kekuatan aku kembali setelah ditinggalkan suatu masa dulu, aku janji aku takkan pernah menangis lagi sbb dia, dan akan cuba sedaya upaya aku utk melupakan dia.
And I failed. I failed.
Dear you, yes you, I once wrote something to you, but I never send it. Coz I don’t have the courage to contact you back after we separated. And the biggest mistake u make is finding me back. That was the biggest MISTAKE YOU made..
15 October 2012.
To be able to write this to you, I had cried, at least, one litre of tears…
To be strong and overcome all this and continue living, I had live my life with tears, for most of my time.
I hope you will be happy, for the rest of your life, for leaving me, for choosing you, than myself. This is the first time ever you have been selfish, for choosing yourself, instead of me.
And thank you for that, I’d be able to realise all my weakness, all my mistakes. And maybe, this is not how Allah wants it to be. Maybe, Allah wants it to be the other way. Maybe, there’s another person better for you, for me, for us.
Thank you for choosing to live well with your own life. Thank you for leaving me behind, and thank you for making me realize, a promise is only a mere words, from one person to another person, cherish by hope and love, until one day, the promise will always stay as a words.. And thank you for the most important lesson in my life, that love is just a crazy stupid thing, it will bloom in HOPE, and died with TEARS.
Dear you, I had once gave up in my life. There’s some moment I think that there’s no longer any uses for me to continue living. I’ve even consumed a lot of painkiller, with a mere hope that I can kill all this pains I’ve suffered because of you. I also thinking to quit my study, go to somewhere far far away, so that I will be able to erase all my memories with you.
Being with you all this while, though it gave me a lot of tears, I still don’t know why, I love you so much, so much that I even allows myself to be hurt repeatedly. Then one day, when you walk away, walk away without any mercy.. leave me all that alone, I lost in hope, I lost in confidence, I lost fighting with myself. After those two years, after all those sweet and painful memories.. you leave me with a very very cruel way. You just left, without ever looking back at me. As like I never exist as someone special in your life. And as I look at you when you walks away, tears running down my cheek, with only a word I was able to say. “Thank you…”
A month without you, I was trying hard, so hard till now I’m not able to cry anymore. Wherever I go, whatever I do, it is always you that I’m thinking. It is always about you. Your favourite food, your favourite colour, your favourite shirt, your motorcycle, I seen it everywhere. Everytime I saw a bike similar to yours, I was crying inside, deeply, I hurt so much. So much that u can’t even imagine it. Passing the place that I’ve been there with you, makes me feel like I want to turn the clock back. Seeing the things that u gave me, hurt me so much. And I almost threw away your picture in my purse.. but, I couldn’t. It remains there.. and will always remain there forever….
After some point in my life, I’ve stopped begging you to love me, to come back to me. That was the turning point, where I swear I would never cry even 1 drop of tears anymore. I live like any others. Going to class, work out the assignment. Smile, without ever cry anymore. I promised myself, that day, is going to be the last tears of myself. I want to make my parents happy, make everybody happy. I went back home every weekends. Enjoy myself with my siblings. That was the hardest thing to do, to be able to smile without even thinking of what I’m gonna gone through after this.
I am now, fighting with myself to get rid of your shadow. Trying to smile even my heart cries a lot. Thank you, for leaving me, and make me realize that only my parents will stick with me till the end of my life. It is a pleasure to meet you, to be with you, to live with you, and to depend on you this two years. It was a memory I would never able to forget. My only hope is that, you will live happily, even without your mum, as the only thing I want while we were together, is to make you happy and never feel alone after your mum died. I’m sorry I have failed. I’m sorry.
Dear you, I am not writing this to beg you anymore. I am not writing this to hurt you anymore. I guess Allah has a better plan for us. I guess it is enough here. Life is like a wheel, sometimes we are ups, but sometimes we will be at the bottom. Thank you, for making me realize that I’m not the best person for you. I now realised that, a perfect girl will never exist, so does a perfect man. Thank you for loving me all this while. As I said, your place will never be replaced. May you happy always.
The most painful part in love is when the person we used to love turns out to be our greatest enemy.