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Sunday, May 12, 2013

the reason why I choose you

There used to be some moments, where I will ask myself, why I choose him as my life partner. Dan kadang2, diri aku sendiri takde jawapan utk soalan tu. Yeah people will ask me, why on earth will a law student like me, choose someone like him, who not even completed his study and has nothing. And I really don’t know how I would answer that kind of question. Which sometimes really affected my mind, kenapa eh aku pilih dia? Masa depan aku panjang lagi, mane tau pasni terjatuh cinta kat bakal lawyer ke, bakal doctor ke. Yela, aku kan bakal lawyer, I deserves someone better. Sometimes this kind of thought enter my mind and I will like, pheww, I made a wrong decision here.

But.

Who said he has nothing??

When I first met him, he was an RK student, same class with me, and also my class rep at that time. RK student, which just a rank below than SBP and MRSM student, yg hanya budak 3A ke atas boleh masuk. So aku dgn dia, masa ni, sama kan? Budak RK, same class, same teacher.

Then, time goes by, and don’t even know him after that. Until the day SPM’s result came out, masa tu, kami jumpa balik and contact. Not long after that, he got his university offer and me got myself into a matriculation. So here, life journey begin. He’s a university student, me as a matriculation student. Bagitau aku, orang bodoh mana yg boleh dpt masuk u?

3 years passed, aku dah habis matrikulasi, and proceed to law degree in Uitm Shah Alam. While him, he was just one sem short from graduation that time. ONE sem short. And you know why on earth did he quit?? The answer is because of me. ME, his girlfriend since he first got into the university.
Just imagine, three years in university and all he did was MELAYAN my stupid karenah and perangai yg sangat2 tak matang and mengada2. Yes here I make a mistake, the mistake I regret the most, I took a man’s life. In a very cruel way. Bayangkan, selama dekat matrik, aku kat Kulim dan dia kat Sg.Petani, yg jaraknya lebih kurang sejam perjalanan, dan hampir setiap minggu aku suruh dia turun Kulim, semata2 nak suruh teman aku beli barang kat Giant, semata2 nak ajak date sebab aku boring dok matrik. And time aku cuti matrik, aku ajak dia temankan aku balik Perak, naik tren, even time tu university dia tak cuti. And he as an Art and Design student, sangat2 banyak kerja yg rumit and assignment yg melambak2, tp time2 tu aku ajak message, kalau dia tak reply message aku akan marah2 dia, aku akan merajuk tak tentu pasal, bayangkan dia tengah buat kerja kayu tp sambil tu message aku sbb xnak aku marah. Can you imagine that? How cruel I am to him.

Perkara ni berterusan sampai dia one sem short from his graduation. Setiap kali final, kami akan mengalami krisis. Dia nak buat kerja, aku nak message, bila dia tinggalkan aku untuk buat kerja sekejap, aku mengamuk tak tentu pasal, mintak nak putus bagai. Bayangkan seorang lelaki yg tgh belajar, boleh sabar dgn karenah perempuan mengada2 mcm aku ni, if I were him, I would have left me immediately. Buat apa nak bersama dgn pompan yg asyik nak msg 24 jam sampai dia sendiri x de life.

Dan segala2nya berubah after September 2012, he left me. The only time he finally has the courage to left the girl he loves the most. Sebab dah tak tahan sangat dgn sikap dan perangai aku yg sangat menguji kesabaran seorang lelaki. Yes, aku selalu marah dia, kutuk dia, tengking dia, kongkong dia 100%, sikap yg langsung tak patut ada pada seorang perempuan utk dijadikan seorang isteri. And I regret that. I regret my attitude to him back then. Aku tak salahkan dia kerna meninggalkan aku suatu masa dulu. It’s my fault. And I learn to let go. A month without him, aku sedar, betapa lelaki ini meninggalkan satu kesan yg sangat mendalam buat aku. Tanpa dia, aku rasa kosong. But at that time, I let bygone be bygone. Then, dia sendiri yg cari aku semula after we broke up, not me. So here I can see, that he still love me, and will always be. He can say a thousand words to deny that, but through his action, through his attitude, through his behaviour, I know this man still loves me.

Back to the story, lepas kami declare balik, he made a sudden decision, he wants to quit. Masa tu, he was just one sem short from graduate. Tinggal satu sem je lagi. And he decided to quit. Sebab dia mmg dah tak mampu nak teruskan course ni. He said to me, he really can’t do it anymore. Puas aku nasihat, his makcik nasihat, his saudara nasihat, but he said, “this is the best for me. I know what I wanna do in my life.” And so, he quit.

Keputusan dia untuk berhenti belajar, sebenarnya memberi kesan yg agak hebat buat aku. Sebab apa? Sebab aku masih belajar, and bakal tamat belajar and have a degree, dan kalau nasib aku baik, I will proceed to do a professional program, LLB Hons, who will certified me to be a lawyer. Orang sekeliling akan tanya, kenapa kau pilih dia? Even my paksu told me, “kak, kalau org yg kak pilih tu bakal doctor ke bakal lawyer ke, kami akan terima dia skrg jugak, without any objection.” Nampak x betapa taraf pendidikan memainkan peranan penting dalam nak menentukan jodoh seseorang sekarang?  My whole family risaukan masa depan aku dgn dia, semua org risau, semua org pelik why I choose him, tp pernah x korang tanya aku sendiri, kenapa?

Ya, dia mungkin satu level, or dua level bawah aku dari segi pendidikan, tp dia jauh dah tinggalkan aku beberapa level dari segi kematangan and kehidupan. He was the one who taught me that kalau nak jemur kain, kena terbalikkan kain tu terlebih dulu. He was the one who taught me how to ride a motorcycle. He was the one who taught me how to slice a hotdog, how to hold a knife, how to buy a train ticket, how to ride LRT, how to live in outside world, in short, he TEACH me how to LIVE, which my parents can’t teach me as I’m becoming far far away from them. Dia buat aku sedar, bahawa HIDUP ni tak semudah yang aku sangkakan, tak seindah yang aku bayangkan.

And my only question to those who know me, adakah patut if aku tinggalkan dia, just sbb dia buat keputusan utk berhenti belajar yg mana aku sendiri menjadi puncanya? Am I deserves someone better if I already had the man who will never leave me no matter how bad and how annoying myself is? Adakah patut selepas segalanya yang dia buat untuk aku, selepas dia korbankan masa depan dia untuk aku, patutkah aku tinggalkan lelaki yang dah banyak ajar aku erti kehidupan, yang ada di sisi aku time aku susah dan senang selama ni? Nope, tidak sama sekali.

So if you guys wanna compared me to him, I am too far behind him. Dia mengajar aku mcm mana untuk hidup dengan sempurna, dalam dunia yg tidak sempurna, dengan orang yang tidak sempurna. He’s not perfect, he has a lot of disadvantages, he make me cry a lot, but one thing for sure, he make me feel that I’m not alone, he make me feel that someone has complete my incomplete. Dia melengkapkan kekurangan aku, catch me when I am falling, and stays with me no matter how bad my situation is. Of course he can never be compared to both my parents, but it’s good to have someone who make you feel, SPECIAL.

And for that 1000 reason, I choose him.

I choose to marry, my former classmate which once I dislike the most. :))




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